Making The Best Of These "Unprecedented Times"
Very soon, almost too soon, I’ll be headed back on the road.
This time, it will be for 90 days.
Three. Whole. Months.
That’s 25% of a year.
Yep, it’s a long time.
Aside from the panic setting in on all the things I need to do before leaving home for that amount of time, overall, I’m feeling worn out. This year has been tough; personally, professionally, emotionally, physically, globally, and locally. Setting aside all the chaos attributable to 2020 for a second, this time of year between Thanksgiving and mid-March is historically the hardest for me. I know I’m not alone because I’ve candidly talked with many people about my experience, maybe even you. There’s been plenty who’ve responded saying, “oh yes, me too, it SUCKS...” so I’m not going to shy away from talking about this, because if I do, it further contributes to the stigma. To put a finger on it, I’m talking about the stigma of mental health. There is this myth that our brains must function at 100% all of the time, and that anything less is something to be ashamed of. Excuse my language, but that myth is total bullsh*t.
In our society, it’s vulnerable for me to say that for more than 10 years, I’ve battled varying levels of anxiety and depression. But, I’m saying it anyways, because you’ve come here to get to know more about me, even if it’s just the me that owns a van and travels to cool places. Really knowing me and this journey is the whole deal, not just pieces; it’s the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m not ashamed to share, because 1) it’s part of being human, and 2) I am in complete control.
For the record friends, if you were to tell me, “I suffer too, but I feel weird talking about it,” hear me when I say this: if you had a broken leg, I’d treat you the same. By that, I mean that I’m going to acknowledge the normalcy & validity, encourage you to get professional help ASAP, then step in to see how I can help you. Just like bones and other organs, our brains can hurt and heal, too.
Over the years, I’ve personally recognized that layered on top of the everyday, run-of-the-mill a & d that ebbs and flows in my life, seasonal changes can further warp my brain and mood. Turns out, while being affected by a decrease in sunlight makes me adorably similar to a needy little houseplant, it’s not always as cute, and it can be disruptive to leading a normal life throughout winter. For me, it often looks like diving deeply into work, staying up all hours of the night to complete projects. Insomnia has runneth rampant over here... like, right at this very moment as I’m writing this, taking a break from a power hour of house cleaning. (EDIT: This post is almost a week late. Though I’ve plunged right back into cleaning and writing, after burning both ends for too many days in a row, I got really, really sick… yikes. Point taken for better self-care.)
As my fellow lifelong northerners can attest, we are no strangers to the dramatic loss of daylight hours that cycles with the seasons. Around September, that ish hits like a freight train. All of a sudden, it’s dark at 4:15 pm and you’ve lost all concept of what it means to do things “after work”.
What I’ll call “the hamster wheel” effect - which is waking up in the dark, going to work/school, coming home in the dark, going to bed, starting the day over - has become so amplified, my most reliable vice in making it through the winter is planning and fixating on a bunch of fun, exciting events dotted throughout the season, breaking up the monotony.
But this year, all of the events and gatherings that I call “my anchors”, including holiday parties, racing events, social gatherings, they’ve all been cancelled. (Thanks, COVID…) It’s effectively eliminated everything that keeps me happy and hopeful over this time every year.
Um, okay, but what does this have to do with your van…?
Well, despite what we might have been told about COVID being magically eradicated by Easter, (*EYEROLL*) I could read the writing on the wall. We were in it for the long haul. I was going to have to figure out how to literally survive the winter, understanding with a certain level of confidence that everything that usually props me up was not gonna happen.
So, I began to dream, nay, strategize, about what it would look like to give myself something to look forward to every day. Quickly, I became committed to the idea that I could feasibly jump into the vanlife for a little while and accomplish a bucket list amount of traveling. It wasn’t too long before I had launched a nation-wide search for a van and was scanning one-way flights to see the most promising contenders among my searches.
I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, though, because it was just my luck in the midst of a national shortage of affordable class B campers, I found the gem that is Pam; ready to roll, just a short, 30-minute ride down the road. Talk about fate… I’m still amazed by how it all worked out.
Honestly, I’m at the point in my life where enough things have lined up through good ol’ hard work, undeniable privilege, stubborn determination, a tremendous support system, solid universal timing, and a big dose of fierce, female independence, that this just made sense for me.
I am single. I don’t have little humans that depend on me. I am established in a career that gives me purpose and freedom.
“Kelly, when else in your life will you get to do something like this?”
I’ve asked myself that more than a few times...
I couldn’t imagine looking back on my life with a level of regret letting this opportunity pass by. Even as I sit here writing this now, I wonder how lodged into my sadness and loneliness I would feel if I didn’t have my travels to look forward to. Frankly, the answer isn’t one I want to spend any more time exploring.
So, with remote work at least through June 2021, I’ve set my course. Every day I’m on the road, I get to give myself a new place, new views, and new challenges to focus on and finish out this unprecedented year. I’m honored and humbled for the privilege of these mini journeys of a lifetime and look forward to sharing them with whoever tunes in for the ride… which will be starting again very, very soon... EEEEK! BACK TO PACKING & PLANNING!
Cheers,